LAX

After attending many high school (both girls' and boys') lacrosse games as a kid, my opportunity to play finally arrived in 4th grade. I was so excited! To be honest, I don't remember much from that year. I remember the one practice where some varsity players had to come down and teach us the game; I remember the car rides, the spandex, my cheap pink stick and teeny tiny mouthguard. And every year after that just blended in. The same girls, the same coaches, the same positions, fields, and competitors. I finally did graduate up to a nicer stick, got an adult sized mouthguard, and started to get good.

The coolest stick ever, courtesy of my amazing sister! #EDSFTG

In my first ever lacrosse game, I got thrown onto defense. I hated it. But that's where I stayed, and thank God, because I did eventually start to love it. Most of it came naturally. And that was all a huge confidence boost. The best girls on the team who played midfield the entire game scoring goal after goal were starting to talk about how good I was. And that felt great. I loved everything about it.

But obviously, that came with a downside. I spent all my time in games and practices improving my defensive skills, that I never gained any offensive knowledge. In the four years of playing, I can honestly say I've played an offensive position a handful of times. I wasn't a well-rounded player. I did countless camps, clinics, and winter leagues. But I think I just didn't care enough to expand my skills. I was stuck in this bubble, basking in the glory of finally being good at something. I was on a high, and in the end it tore me down.

Our whole town league had organized a winter scrimmage league that I happily played in last fall. I'd done these things time and time before, but always hated them. This time around, I branched out; I moved around the field a lot. And I wasn't as bad at attack as I thought I was! But even better, I was performing really well in defense. The league went through December, and there was a two week break before try outs. I was nervous out of my mind...I had heard rumors that were proven to be true. This year was going to get more competitive than it ever had been.

I think I cracked under the pressure and had a horrible tryout. And in the end, I didn't make the team; instead I would be placed onto what can rightfully be called the "bad" team. I reread and reread the email, sobbing my heart out. My parents and I tried, weighing the consequences, to come up with a solution. Whether that meant I fought my way into moving up, played in another league entirely, or ended up loving the one I was on. I went to the first practice for my regular team open minded, enthusiastic, and left feeling completely turned off. The coaches were paying no attention and my teammates were expressing no excitement to be playing lacrosse! I got in the car to go home making the decision that I would not, if the season depended on it, play on that team.

It wasn't a shallow decision. It's not because I didn't feel less cool being on the team I was, it was because I had nowhere to go if I had stuck with it. I wouldn't improve at all, I would only leave practices and games feeling worse. To me that wasn't worth it. So I didn't play. I compensated by helping my big sis coach her 5th grade team, get all the sideline gossip from CMK, and try and make the best of it. There was definitely an empty part of my life last spring. There were days when I was on the treadmill picturing myself on hot turf, chasing a girl upfield, screaming, "Got ball!" But I got through it. And at the end of the season, my former coach graciously opened his arms and invited me to play in the last tournament of the season. I was excited as can be, to play with all my old teammates, put on a uniform, and to once again be apart of the eventful road trips that accompanied the day. It was a bittersweet day; I did get to experience all those things I was looking forward to, but I just wasn't as good as I had been. My coach played me on defense for a fair amount of the games, but my skills had fizzled by not playing all spring. That hit me really hard.

I made the decision early on to go into high school with an open mind regarding athletics. I considered running cross country in the fall, but decided not to in the end. So with that, I was convinced there was a winter sport for me... To my dismay, not one. So now I have no excuse to not direct my full, undivided attention to lacrosse.

I tried out for a fall/winter club team to play on, which I ultimately decided against. I'm not feeling confident in my skills. Instead, I'm going to sign up for some classes to take at an awesome facility nearby. And now I'm just stuck with decided what to tackle. Do I take a defense course and strengthen my strength? Or do I focus on my weakness, and take an offensive class? Or, I could take a midfield one and cover both ends of the board.

I will be completely honest when I say that writing this post was tough. I legitimately mourn the loss of lacrosse in my life. I want it back so badly I can barely even express it. It was my one thing, the one thing I felt extremely comfortable in, and totally confident. It was my hobby, my love, my best friend at times. And it opened the window to so many things. I can only pray that this season is drastically different from last, and that the sport plays a role in my life again.

xx MGR